Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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