this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
