dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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