My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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