I accidentally burped into my bong.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
