we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
