her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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