I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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