Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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