you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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