i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Also, beer. Big fan.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
