I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
