She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
