i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
is wine microwaveable?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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