Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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