Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
