im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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