Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
