I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
