Only a mothe r could love this liver
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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