drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
