the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
