Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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