please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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