No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
