So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
