i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
