As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
