How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Found your dick twin last night
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
