Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
