If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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