Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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