I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
