I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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