She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
