Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
