I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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