that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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