I can tuck mytits in my pants
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
