two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
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I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
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I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.