The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
