Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im six kinds of drunk right now
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
