even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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