Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
