There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
