Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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