I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
3pm strippers are depressing
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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