It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
