I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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