i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
