She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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