If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
