Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
