I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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