Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
