Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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