Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
