Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
