If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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