i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
