Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
